White Christmas

Rhea over at the Boomer Chronicles was talking about the movie It's A Wonderful Life. While I sure enjoyed the movie for me it has suffered the fate of anything that is over exposed. I don't watch it anymore.

One of my favorite movies at holiday time growing up was White Christmas. I still like it today. I loved these kinds of old movies and still do. Maybe it was because my dad loved it so much that it meant so much to me or maybe it was because my sister Karen and I loved reenacting the song "sisters"

Either way if you haven't watched it you might want to try....I still shed a tear at the end.


Holiday Inn is also one of my all time favorites!

Managing Holiday Overwhelm

To express my thoughts on feeling overwhelmed at the holidays I wrote the following:

It’s holiday time again and I wonder if you have started heaping on the expectations of it to be picture perfect? This year it began the day after Halloween. Away went the costumes, the pumpkins and the Halloween candy and out came the candy canes, Christmas trees and the things needed for a wonderful Hanukkah.

Stores began pumping out the holiday carols and shoppers began to get a glazed look in their eyes. The lists come out and the murmuring about having too much to do began. Thanksgiving has barely come and gone and already expectations are running high to create another “perfect” holiday season. The perfect present, the perfect décor and the perfect holiday spread.

Oh and remember none of the everyday obligations have disappeared. In fact with all the parties, errands, shopping, and the school events, an already busy schedule moves into overdrive. The stress and anxiety kicks up a notch and even the most easy going person can feel as though the holidays aren’t all that happy after all.

And dare I say that often at the best of times family gatherings can be a bit testy as we tend to revert to old patterns of relating to parents and siblings? Old hurts get dragged to the forefront and we often bring the past into present even when we are not intending to. In this modern world parents are often dividing up time as to who will have the children when and where during the holiday season.

So what can we do to help create a more peaceful holiday season?

Find out what which things are truly important to you and which things you tend to do because you “feel that you have to do.”

Stop and reflect on the things that you like to do. Which parties to you want to attend? How much entertaining do you really want to do? Do you really have to buy presents for everyone you know even at the risk of compromising your financial situation? Are you falling into the trap of the “Disneyland “ parent, overspending on the children trying to make up for your divorce even though you know it is not the best action to take?

If you can allow yourself to say no to the things you do not want to do, you will immediately free up the energy for the things that you do choose. You can now be present at the events that you enjoy. You will not feel as overwhelmed and you will have acknowledged yourself as being important. When you are not feeling overwhelmed and resentful of all you have to do you can feel grateful for what you love to do.

When you can take care of yourself by excusing yourself from the many activities that fill hours, but you truly do not enjoy you are exercising self care. It is ok to not show up at every little thing or by lots of “stuff “you may not be able to afford in order to fulfill a self imposed obligation. You do not heave to be the better parent by heaping gifts on your children. Try it in small steps at first and see how you feel. You will be most surprised at how good it feels to take care of yourself by letting go of what you don’t want.

Let go of being perfect

While I would never suggest that you lower your standards I am suggesting that you be a little forgiving of yourself. Allow yourself to relax and enjoy the season and the people for that is really what the holiday is about. If a beautiful home is important to you see if you can delegate some of the many duties to others. This may be the time to treat yourself and let someone else clean the house. Or allow yourself to not have to make all the food and holiday treats from scratch. Allowing family members to jump in and help not only gives you some special time but also creates a joint holiday experience. A tree that reflects a bit of all the family members may be much more beautiful than a picture perfect one. And you will all have the time to actually sit around and admire it.

In the end it is gratifying if you can let the holiday be a reflection of what you truly value. If you value perfection than letting go of doing everything may be a challenge for you but you can always give it try. If however time enjoying family is what ranks the highest, by letting go of perfection you may find something far more rewarding. It is like taking a great big sigh and then finding your stress level start to decline.

Stay in the present

Being present is the best way to enjoy time with both your immediate and extended family. Extended family can be everyone from siblings to the aunts, uncles, and in laws you only see once or twice a year. It would seem as though this shouldn’t be a big deal but the holidays seem to bring up old and often current hurts or misunderstandings. Often this is also the time when it is the most difficult dealing with an ex-spouse. As we are continually being fed the holiday messages painting beautiful pictures of perfect families it is not unusual to feel as though you are being cheated in some way.

Life may not always be perfect but it can be still be beautiful even during the sometimes emotional holiday season. The trick is to stop living in the past and come fully to the present. Find something to be grateful for in the here and now. It is a choice to be grateful and we can all find at least one thing that brings us some happiness. We may not have had the best relationship with a family member in the past but how are things right now? Is it possible to just enjoy this time spent with them?

If you happen to be one of the many divorced parents with joint custody try to fully concentrate on the time you have with your children. Create new and meaningful rituals to celebrate your time together instead of focusing on what you will be missing when they are with their other parent.

Can you be in a state of forgiveness, understanding that we are really all on different journeys and are not always all on the same page at the same time? Letting go of the attachments of how we would like people to be allows for some acceptance of the present. Sure it takes practice but if can make a big difference in how you experience the holidays.

Holiday time is always hectic and somewhat stressful. If however we consciously choose the experience we would like and act on that choice, they can be truly happy.

Happy Holidays everyone

Three Dog Night

Wow ...do I remember loving the band Three Dog Night. Especially Try a Little Tenderness and Easy to be Hard I sat in my older brother's room feeling so cool that he would even let me in and together we would crank up the tunes and sit back and enjoy.

In fact those songs are still in my I pod today and I just have to tune to them and crank up the volume and I am 12 years old again. They were a top band at least at that time and for many years after. Imagine my surprise when I saw they were playing the furniture show in Hight Point, NC.

My family owns a furniture store and we almost always are at market. Unfortunately because of scheduling conflicts we were not attending this year. I would have loved to have seen them and see if I could still get as excited as that 12 year old used to get.

I have to confess, I was a little crushed that for a pretty great band it had come to playing the furniture market. I can't explain it but part of me just couldn't believe that this hot band that I loved was now reduced to playing that venue. Sure I know we all have to make a living but I guess I saw something grander in scale.

The members of Three Dog Night on the whole are a little older but I still see Genesis at bigger venues and Chicago at bigger venues. I have loved both these bands when I saw them.

Maybe it's better I didn't get to see them. I can just turn on my ipod and go back in time without it being spoiled.

To Wear the Flag or Not

Barak Obama is not wearing a flag lapel pin and it seems to be stirring some controversy. Some people feel that if you want to be the person that is ultimately the Commander in Chief of our country that it is a must have accessory.

Others feel that wearing or not wearing a flag is not what makes you patriotic and still others, particularly political analysts feel that it is a risky move to not wear a flag pin.

I personally fall into the category of those that believe it is not in the wearing or not wearing of a pin that your patriotism is defined....instead it is how you live your life, you ethics and your integrity. I believe that there are many, many other ways to demonstrate your loyalty to a particular country and wearing jewelry does not necessarily need to be one of them.

After 9-11 people became almost confrontational if you were not displaying a flag or flying a flag or wearing a flag.....at least in the part of NJ that I reside. I politely refused to give into what I felt was pressure at that time simply stating that I had been a good citizen and supporter of my country before that date and would continue long after.

Personally I think it is great that Obama wants to create a different kind of conversation of what makes someone patriotic.

Great Information for all us midlifers

I found a great blog today thanks to Rhea over at Boomer Chronicles. If you have a chance i day stop on over and check it out. You won't be disappointed.

For a bit of a makeup hound like me it was an eyeopener to read about the amount of makeup they believe we actually absorb into our bodies. Also if you want to look well, eat well, live well etc. head on over to the Wastrel Show and check it out.

Have fun...

No More Excuses

I went to the doctor the other day for the ever popular yearly "woman's" checkup. The once over is what I call. Don't get me wrong I really love my Doctor and I think he does a great job. I tend to always prefer the alternative route if possible meaning my last course of action is prescription drugs and he is always there walking right beside me.

He did the once over and we talked about some things... primarily my sluggish thyroid and came to a decision that we will finally give a course of thyroid replacement a try.

Everything else seems fine and he sent me on my way with a promise that I would get a mammogram soon. I will admit that I have been pretty lax about the regularity in which I obtain one. This month I vow to follow through.

I have never made a conscious choice to not get a mammogram. I just became one of the many who became to busy. Maybe because it was one more thing that had to be scheduled into a pretty hectic life. I have been relying on the monthly self-exams to
cover the bases. I would prefer to get a thermogram but no one offers it in my area.

National Breast Cancer Awareness Month is fast approaching and as I give daily thanks for my friends who have survived a battle with breast cancer I understand that it is time to step up and start exercising some self-care... meaning getting the exam with no more excuses. So that is my commitment. By the end of October I will have had a mammogram and a bone scan as well.

For any other woman who has been putting it off I invite you to join me.

When Mom and Dad Divorce

It feels so weird to be 50 years old and still have my parents going through divorce. They have been into it now for 7 years. I received my own divorce and have been remarried for 5 years. Both my sisters got divorced during the time frame and yet nothing has left more of mark on all of us than watching this drag on.

I spent the morning at the attorney's office with my Mom figuring out a strategy to help her get by until there is a resolution ....which does not seem to be forthcoming anytime soon.

You know all the crazinness comes out when it is your parents. You still take sides even if you don't want to. Dad pretty much shut us all out when this started and picked his health care provider over the family. His health is deteriorating which makes this whole thing even harder. He won't let us into see him and it is hard to converse on the phone.

They are both in their mid seventies and the hurt feelings have been built up over 45 years. I feel like I am a parent to my Mom through this and yet part of me wishes it would all go away and I could just be their daughter.

I guess I believed it would not happen to them and seeing drag on is like a bandaid being slowly ripped off a wound. Not too pretty.

Back to School

Well the kids are going back to school and boy I feel as though I am going back to school a well. I really feel as though I have been off this summer though in reality I have been working hard. I guess it has been offline so to speak.

I really feel some of the nervous anticipation trying to get back into the blogging and getting reconnected with everyone online. I have missed a lot of what has been happening simply because I have not had a great deal of computer access the last two months. It has been pretty strange but in some ways quite restful

One of the best things that happened this summer was to start a local chapter of Powerful You! Network for women. I have met so many women from my area that I did not know existed. I have enjoyed the energy of the groups and making connections both business and personal. I have also been busy with the radio show and starting a small mastermind group.

Mix that with a all the mundane stuff like work and the summer has gone faster than any summer.....except maybe when I actually was a kid.

Oh and last but not least....I hit the big 50 this summer. Still haven't figured out how I feel about it but it doesn't matter.....it isn't going to change....right???

Half Hearted Watcher of Talent Shows

I don't know what is happening to me. Maybe this is my midlife crisis. I am one of those people who have never watched American Idol. The whole talent show thing didn't interest me. Then came Dancing with the Stars. It was good. I loved dancing and watching it and it kept me interested.....as long as I didn't have something else better to do.

Last summer I became infatuated with So You Think You Can Dance. I loved it. I got everyone I know interested and they loved it. Then as the pattern goes....I couldn't tie myself down to committing to a show. Sure taping it was always an option but I had to remember to put int the tape.

Then came 2007 and into my life ....DVR. It became so easy to keep up with the shows. My husband became obsessed with taping Dancing with the Stars and making sure I watched it each week. Well then it became a chore. I could barely hang on until the end.

This summer came So You Think You can Dance again. What did I do? I entered a pool. Now it really was a chore to try to keep up with all the episodes and I am two weeks behind. I'm just winging it at this point.....though I am keeping my head above water.

So tonight as I watch this I figured it out......just watch the last episode. Tonight it is the last episode of Americas got Talent. I am watching and having fun...no pressure.

Glad I got that one figured out! Oh I am voting for the ventriloquist.

E-Mail Bankruptcy

I read an interesting article a few weeks back when I was in Massachusetts visiting Mom. Actually I was there for one of the big birthdays.....50 years old. It's hard to believe but that is for another time.

Any way this article was written by someone who was declaring e-mail bankruptcy. He was done...throwing in the towel and no longer going to attempt to dig out from the mountain of e-mail in his inbox.

He had made some preparations. He had e-mailed the people he wanted to still hear from and let them know his plans. He also advised them to resend anything they felt was vitally important because he was going to check all and them push delete.

After relishing the the peace and contentment of an empty inbox for probably a few minutes ( at least if his inbox is anything like mine) he would then attempt to use e-mail as a viable form of communication once again.

As for me I cheered silently as I read the piece. I have felt for sometime that I was drowning in e-mail and after being away from my computer for a few weeks I am sometimes feeling hopeless about ever really reading all the e-mails I have.

The thought of pushing a button and starting fresh feels pretty tempting right now...I just have to get up the nerve and keep reminding myself that I have made it this far without reading all those messages just sitting there waiting patiently.

I think it will be OK.....right?

Getting Back on Track

Wow the past month has sped by and most of it has been lived without regular access to a computer. My husband was thrilled about it until he lost our e-tickets and needed to find an Internet cafe in Paris to try to retrieve copies of them.

Alright....the truth is he finally had to ask me to do it for him.

After the stress of living in passport hell I must say that Congressman Mike Ferguson's office came through and got them for us on the last day. I was doing a two day training seminar before I got on the plane and I can probably count on one hand the number of hours I was sleeping each night before taking off.

When we finally arrived in Germany I had been up for about 38 hours straight.......I get cranky when I don't have enough sleep but I must admit I surprised myself and held it together.

I thank everyone for their support and will get some wedding pictures up soon.

Passport Hell

I am one of the many who are biting their fingernails and praying for their passport to arrive on time. I applied for my passport just when thing began to get hairy and the floodgates opened with the applications pouring in from people trying to get a passport to travel to Canada, Mexico and the Caribbean.

At the time I offered to pay the additional amount of money to have my passport expedited. I was assured that this was absolutely not necessary. I had more then ample time to receive my passport. So did my daughter as well as my step son and daughter in law.

With our travel dates closely approaching we began calling the passport office as we were traveling in the next 14 days so apparently they would allow us to talk to the customer service reps. I do use that term lightly. Not because they didn't want to be helpful.....they just had no information they could give us.

The best suggestion they had was to try to make an appointment at the regional offices located in Boston, Norwalk, Washington D.C., Philly and NYC. Impossible.... there were no appointments available never mind it was going to be hard to take extra time off from work to travel to these destinations when I am already taking time off for the trip. These agents, whom I am sure are getting used to dishing out a somewhat bleak picture regarding actually getting your passport on time, told us just that. It probably was not going to happen.

I confess that with my step-son getting married and then going back for his second tour to Iraq, I wasn't much in the mood to hear that news and so I did reach out to my State Representatives and Senators.

They have actually been very responsive and are trying to help. My step son and his wife who live in Florida and were also working with their local congressman received their passports today....they leave Monday. I have been told I will be receiving my passport tomorrow as will my daughter. I will not completely relax until I have it in my hands.

They have relaxed the rules a bit allowing for those traveling to Mexico, Canada and the Caribbean to print out a confirmation stating they are in the application process. That and picture ID will get you on your flight.

As I am going to Europe I have to have the real deal. The conversations I have had with the myriad CSRs as well as the information I have been getting has really done nothing more than create a sense of frustration. I was advised more often than not that they really couldn't tell me where I was in the process. Not that they didn't know, they just were not allowed to tell.

So for today I keep holding the picture of me sitting on the plane, passport in hand on my way to London. Quite exciting as I have never travelled anywhere as yet that required me having a passport.

What women want

I logged onto yahoo today and there was an article written by a mens coach advising us about what women want. Honestly I was pretty put off by the 10 things he thought men needed to know about women and I am a coach.

I do think he was good with his advice on how to make your self attractive to a woman and how to repulse a woman (if you are a man). I guess that is what surprised me. I won't say he was completely off the mark with his 10 secrets we need to know but I think he made the bulk of women seem .....well dumb and not having much depth.

This is just my opinion. But I think a woman wants a man who is real. I don't "need" to be surprised once a month and yet I do like surprises. I stopped believing in the fairytale a long time ago and concentrate on the real world full of real men. I have liked and loved a few men and have not spent all day trying to look good for any of them. I have other things that I have to get done. Do I try to look good.....yeah. But the game playing stopped awhile ago and that is when the real relationships began.

Kids and Germs

This is one of the things I deep forgetting now that my children are grown and gone.....kids carry germs.

Case in point. I have been down with a rotten cold for about a week now. In fact last Friday was when I last spent time with my infant niece, Poppy. When I first saw her Wednesday my sister in law said she had been running a fever and had a cold. I thought too bad little girl and held her and cuddled her.

Repeat performance the next night. I don't get home to often and so I tend to get a little overly demonstrative when I see her.

Friday night I babysit for her. She is doing better and I am still not thinking that her cold is related to me in any way.

Oh but then Sunday comes and I am feeling miserable. It is so hard when I get reminded that I am not invincible.

But boy she is cute and with this this cold... I am not.

Memorial Day

To watch the Memorial Day concert on PBS this evening was pretty powerful. I am not a believer in the war personally and I will leave it at that. I think everyone has a right to their own opinion when it comes to the subject of war.

For my step-son who is a captain in the army stationed in Germany and waiting to be deployed to Iraq again I have nothing but respect and gratitude. Why? Because he walks his talk. He believes in what he is doing and he acts on that belief. I admire that.

I have seen what this war has done to him, how he has changed and yet he believes in what he is doing. I honor that in him and still most respectfully disagree in the concept of war.

But for all those who do serve I give you my respect and support. For the families of those who are serving and for those who have lost loved ones in the service of this country I send you my prayers, for your loved ones and for the end of all war.

Mothers Day

Well here it is Mother's day again and as with any day of significance that only arrives once a year it serves to highlight some of the changes that have occurred.

For me I only have my step-daughter in the area these days and thankfully she has two little one so that it helps me forget that I have my son living in Florida and my daughter living in Massachusetts.

My work schedule did not allow me to travel to Massachusetts this year so I will not be able to join with my sisters, sisters in law and Mom for Mother's Day this year.

Life changes and though I may not always like the changes it is important to honor the fact that I am here to witness it as it goes by.

I wish all of you who are Moms a wonderful day.

I wish all of you have have lost your Mom a moment to reflect on some of the wonderful memories that relationship must have brought into your life.

I wish all of you trying to become Moms a big virtual hug and hope that it will happen soon.

As for me I am off to work today with the knowledge that I have done my best over the years to be a pretty good Mom

Mom and Her Investments

I was visiting my Mom in Massachusetts a few weeks ago and she is still a little unsure of herself when it comes to her investments. She has been living on her own for about 7 years now and thankfully she now has someone we trust to manage her portfolio. I didn't fully realize that until I was helping her go through some paperwork and she showed me several investments she had made before turning things over to " Bill" the financial planner.

To picture my Mom, think of a little old Irish Nana...because that is what she is. She is from an era when you trusted professionals just because they were a professional. That meant that if you were a lawyer you were a good lawyer, or good doctor or a good banker. My Mother in law is exactly the same way and God forbid we should suggest to either of them that they may be a little misguided in this regard.

One of the questionable investments they signed my Mom up for was a whole life insurance policy for $10,000.00 to cover her burial expenses. She didn't want any of us to have to worry about it. That was where she became vulnerable and trusted the insurance agent to tell her what to do.

First off my Mom didn't need it. Second of all the premiums are payable for 20 years totaling almost $20,000. Third it is not a great savings vehicle. Only about 3.5 percent after the first year. That was listed at 5.25 percent. After asking a few questions (and mind you I am no expert at any investments myself) it became clear that she did not understand exactly what she was signing up for nor did she know that it was not really right for her circumstances.

What was her response? Well they were very nice and they said it would be the right one for me. For a moment I wanted to get on the phone and call the agent who wrote the policy....I still may but at the time it would have embarrassed my Mom. So, I settled for gently asking her to not make any more decisions of this sort without first talking to Bill and then also talking to myself or one of my other siblings.

I know that as gently as I put it she felt chastised and then asked if she could get out of the policy. I am working on it.

I love my Mom and I get angry when I see people take advantage of her. I guess I have to step up a little more often and have some of the money conversations with her. None of my siblings had any idea she had done this either.

My understanding is that whole life insurance is often not the right type for many people and not quite the investment vehicle an agent may make it out to be.

Little Girls

I love my two grand daughters. It is so much fun buying their clothes for them and shoes. I love little shoes for little girls. Oh yeah... I love shoes for big girls too.

My husband has started monitoring me and the shoes I bring home. It really is ridiculous because in the end I wear about four pair over and over. I feel like a guilty and at the same time defiant teenager as he tells me no more shoes until I thin out the existing herd.

I have now resorted into smuggling them in.

I am just drawn to the promise these shoes seem to offer. They are cute and sexy or promise to make me taller than I am which translates to I will look slimmer.... I know it's weird women logic. I was at a fashion show the other night and we were all ooohhing and aahhing over the shoes the models were wearing.

Here the truth...after about four minutes I would be exchanging them for one of my four favorite pairs.

I can still look though...

Saying goodbye

I was off and traveling again this week. I had planned a quick trip to Massachusetts to see my Mother. Unfortunately my sister in law's Dad died just a a couple of days before my trip. We all knew he was ill and that it didn't look good and yet you always hold out hope...or at least I do.

Tim was a great guy and not all that much older than I relatively speaking. He loved his family and his golf. He had a great smile and a warm and easy way. I think in someways he was the father my brother wished he had been able to have.... and in a way he was.

I still have both my parents and I try not to dwell too much on what my life will be like without them. We all know it is an inevitable reality. I do know that I will have many people to help me through when it does happen as I witnessed this week with how we all wanted to be there for Elizabeth and Kevin. For now I am going to try to appreciate what I have an realize that no...it doesn't last forever

Easter in Midlife

First and foremost...for all of you who celebrate, Happy Easter. It is often chilly at Easter but today there was definitely snow in the air along with winds and cold. Some other differences this year:

1. I usually have Easter at my house....this year none of the kids who live out of state could make it home and my step-daughter had plans with her grandparents and Mom.
My husband and I went over in the afternoon to play with the grand kids.

2. Dinner is usually for 5 -9 people...today just my husband and myself.

3. Usually the flowers are starting to bloom.....this year it is still winter.

4. Life is changing again...it's going to take some getting used to.